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[personal profile] zigadenus
I had a long post typed up, but Frank ate it, I guess.

Looooong story very short is that Mum has been and continues to be absolutely infuriated with me. Much of it likely has to do with how she is feeling about the dialysis situation, but she's taking it out on me, in ways that are both immature and abusive. For instance, right now, I'm not permitted to be in the same room as her. Since we're sharing a room here at Compassion House, that means... uh? I'm still sitting in my coat, I have no way to get the cable for my laptop, I have no access to a bathroom, nor do I have kleenex and my face is reacting to all the pollen in the worst possible way. ...I don't expect her gratitude or anything, but being treated as a human being and/or another adult would be nice.

In other news, my uni has cut off my library access. As part of their new cost-saving measures, students lose summer access to resources (unless they're teaching or enrolled in credit hours), and students on Leave lose all access. So given that I'm now unable to keep up with the literature, and unable to work on any of my papers... Yeah, I can't really see myself going back, even if I could scrounge up the fees to re-enroll. Chalk it up as another failure.

I swear to god, on days like today, if it weren't that I'm loathe to break my promise to actually finish my fiction, I'd totally walk into traffic. You have no idea.

01:39 Mum has spent the past eight hours detailing my transgressions and inadequacies. Reducing me to tears and self harm wasn't sufficient this time, so I expect a continuation tomorrow. My head aches something fierce.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-04-27 10:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mywitch.livejournal.com
Oh man, I really wish there was anything I could do to help or make you feel better. Is there? Let me know. I'm sorry your mom is being a pill. That and then being cut off from the university is just flat-out insulting. SMDH. I think you're awesome and I send you a big virtual {{squeeze}} ❤️

(no subject)

Date: 2017-04-27 10:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zigadenus.livejournal.com
Hugs appreciated. It is just a sucky, sucky day. The uni situation just makes everything worse, because before, I always had an avenue of [potential] escape when she's upset with me. I am, let's face it, basically an unemployed homeless person, and I don't see that situation changing anytime soon.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-04-27 11:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beffeysue.livejournal.com
Here is the comment I had written before Frank ate the post I read before Frank ate it: When I tried to add the comment, I got an error that said I was not authorized to comment on this protected post. Go figure. Anyway here's my 2 cents worth:

I can't begin to tell you how sad I am that your mum is treating you this way, but she is, and now you have to figure out a way not to let it drag you down. Yeah, like that's an easy thing to do. Sweetheart, you've turned your entire world upside down to take care of your mum and she resents every day that she is still here, and I don't believe it has a single thing to do with you... she's just angry as hell at what her life has become, and you can't make her outlook on life any better. But you can ignore her pissy behavior, you can refuse to argue with her, you can still sit down and write if it would make you feel better.

It really sucks that your library access has been cut off, and I don't know if you's even want to check out the three libraries that aren't far from Compassion House... John W. Scott Health Sciences Library, Rutherford Library, or the Cameron Science & Technology Library. But I hope you can get some rest and give yourself some time to just recoup. Oh yeah, while I'm at it, I have to tell you that you are not a failure by any metric I know of. Yes, you've had to put your degree on hold, but you can one day go back to it. I started my freshman college year in 1965 when I was 18 and had to drop out when I was a junior for health reasons I still went back off and on when I could to take classes, and I was 52 years old in 1997 when I completed my degree. As unlikely as it once seemed to me, I was able to finish.

Is there a "fee for use" policy at KU that people can pay for online access to the science libraries?

~sending huge hugs and good vibes for a good night's rest~

(no subject)

Date: 2017-05-01 02:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zigadenus.livejournal.com
not authorized to comment on this protected post

Hunh. Then if you saw it, and got a protected flag, it must still exist somewhere. It was substantially the same, but I may go looking for it regardless.

she's just angry as hell at what her life has become

*nods, nods* This is no picnic for her, that's for sure. It explains, but doesn't excuse, some behaviours.

John W. Scott Health Sciences Library, Rutherford Library, or the Cameron Science & Technology Library

All dear friends. Cameron, especially, as it has a Starbucks on the main floor, and offers free DVD and novel delivery from the Edmonton Public Library system. I miss living hanging out in Cameron. I keep hoping for some free time to hit up the campus libraries (there are some references I'd like to check in Cameron stacks), especially as my alumna account gives me unrestricted digital records access as long as I'm physically on-campus.

KU, being a soulless corporate monolith dedicated to sporting, quality aesthetics and recreational opportunities for undergrads, offers nothing that might be misconstrued as support for research academics. (Do I sound bitter?)

(no subject)

Date: 2017-04-28 02:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kellychambliss.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry, my dear.

If possible, I think you should just stand up to your mother and say, "no. this is unacceptable," and go back into the room. It's easier said than done, no doubt, but if she treats you as a child, don't respond like a child. Model adulthood for her. She's ill, I know, but cancer isn't a get-out-of-civility-free card. You don't owe her subservience.

Can you talk to your advisor about the library thing? Perhaps s/he could work something out -- at least get your papers for you, for instance.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-05-01 02:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zigadenus.livejournal.com
Advisor AKA ProfBoss of previous entries fame has been singularly unhelpful with regards to library access. His best advice is asking a fellow grad student to download things for me. I will probably SciHub a lot of stuff, as [livejournal.com profile] traverse suggests.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-04-28 08:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] traverse.livejournal.com
First of all, putting your degree on hold to look after your mother is not a failure. It is a sacrifice. It is noble and selfless. Anyone who says or implies otherwise... well, you know what to do with them.

Secondly, I agree with kellychambliss above. There need to be boundaries. Your mother should not treat you worse than she would have treated, say, staff at the Compassion House. Especially as you seem to be the only one on whom she can rely. You hold quite a bit of power in this situation (which might, of course, contribute to your mum's resentment), and while, being a decent person, you may be loath to acknowledge this. it is there. Use it to protect yourself.

Having said that, it might be a good idea to put some distance between you and your mother if it is at all possible. This will give her her wish and you will get some space - you don't need cabin fever on top of everything else. Is there anywhere adjacent to your room, like a kitchen, where you can set up a bed of some sort? Might the staff be understanding to your situation and help in some way? I am sure your mum is not the first difficult guest they've had. If so, you can just tell your mum that you are there and will be back with her the moment she decides to be civil.

Thirdly, the library access situation is annoying (especially as I fail to see the economic rationale for cutting access - I would not have thought institutional subscriptions work this way), but maybe not insurmountable. If there's nothing that your advisor can do to help (worth contacting them anyway, just to show you are serious about your research and not dropping out), and local resources are not useful, let me know and I shall see if I can retrieve any materials for you. I've got access to two schools' resources, I don't know what it's like for science, but looking won't hurt. If you are not pious about copyright, there is Sci-Hub, which might also be useful.
Edited Date: 2017-04-28 09:07 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2017-05-01 02:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zigadenus.livejournal.com
~Hugs you lots and lots~. You're such a sane, sensible person. It does me good hearing all this from you. I expect I'll be looking back on this comment (and others, of course) in the future.

Re: libraries -- I don't think it's coming down from the subscriptions end. It has to do with our student accounts. I've been locked out of a number of features, so I think they just cancelled services for anyone not enrolled. I don't really care if I can get into gradebooks (*glee, I'm joyful not to), but the libraries access burns. As to cost-saving, who knows? They're cutting corners everywhere -- earlier this year, they dropped all the Springer subscriptions. It's necessary to tighten fiscal belts, in order to afford sparkly new dorms (https://housing.ku.edu/newhall), I guess.

(no subject)

Date: 2017-04-28 11:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelsey.livejournal.com

I am so so sorry *hugs tightly*

(no subject)

Date: 2017-05-01 02:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zigadenus.livejournal.com
~hugs back~
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